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PostPosted: 27 Aug 2011, 21:07 
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Back to emo again. lol.

This one is called "Darkness Painted White." The basic idea is that of a person who has a sunny, cheerful exterior, but it's really a facade to keep anyone from discovering their internal suffering and depression. This one could probably use some work later because some parts sound like they had more thought put into them than others (which isn't really the case since I wrote it all at once and thus in the same mindset throughout) but as it is it still came out pretty well.
_____

dark and lost, I'm cold inside
I find a mask to hide behind
a veil to hide the pain in me
so that no one else will see

incandescent, so fluorescent
a vacant shell where no life's present
a dark descent, though I dissent
and wear a mask that's iridescent

chorus:
reassure that I'm okay
as the colors bleed and fade to gray
blinded by the artificial light
of the darkness painted white

outside I don't have a care
look inside, you'll find despair
treading on the shallow water
for fear I'll drown if I should falter

see no evil, hear no evil
denial of a wound that's lethal
falsely cheerful, truly fearful
appearances can be deceitful

[chorus]

bridge:
every day, a fresh coat of paint
to conceal the scars of hate
the real me locked in a cage
ceded to my altered state

cracks reveal the dark inside
I fear I can no longer hide
chip the last of the pieces away
to find a soul encased in gray

the mask is peeled, my broken shield
forgo all hopes these wounds will be healed
once concealed, now all's revealed
in my shame my fate's now sealed

chorus:
can't pretend that I'm okay
when I see the world in shades of gray
denial inflicts subconscious plight
when the darkness consumes the light


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PostPosted: 29 Aug 2011, 06:21 
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I really like that. Yes, it's emo, but I think emo sentiments can be powerfully moving if well-written. You have some lovely imagery in that song, and you've made some wonderfully effective use of the vocabulary. I think my favourite verse has to be
"incandescent, so fluorescent
a bright white shell where no life's present
a dark descent, though I dissent
and wear a mask that's iridescent".
I think the way you've managed to fit so many -scent/-sent words in there without it sounding contrived is impressive.

I don't know which verses you were less than happy with, but I have to admit that my least favourite is actually the first verse. I felt it launched rather too abruptly and unsubtly into the theme. Maybe you deliberately chose to introduce the theme in plain language to ensure the meaning of the rest was clear, but to me that verse actually did sound a bit too emo compared with the beautifully evocative language of the rest of the song.

But please don't let that one negative comment leave you feeling I'm being critical. I think overall this is one of my favourites out of the songs you've written.

Also, since we're trying to get the Mercury Ice Front Page ready to replace our old Joomla website, would you mind if I were to put a couple of your songs up in the writing section there?



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PostPosted: 02 Sep 2011, 16:29 
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Just want to say I don't get the feeling you're being critical, and, even if you were, that would be fine because it would help me improve. ^_^ And, of course, I don't mind if you post any of my stuff there. Might give someone something to read when they get bored. XD And to elaborate on what I said about it needing work, I did mean the first verse, mainly, and maybe a few other lines here and there to give the song more depth overall, and to maybe change some of the simpler wording to make it as complex as the majority of the song. Not really sure what I'd change yet, except maybe making the last word "light" instead of "white" since that makes more sense. The rest will come to me soon, regardless.

In the meantime, I've written another song. This one was inspired by the fact that I've been in quite an interesting mood the last few days, I'm upbeat and positive, but I'm also daring and unpredictable, and, to put it as I stated at one point, I feel like I could "kick the ass of anything that gets in my way." So, going off of that vibe, and borrowing from the vibe of classic rock songs (which explains the instances of improper English, by the way) here's "Kick Some Ass."

livin' back in yesterday
it don't do no good today
for a time I went astray
but I'm back and here to stay

bridge:
live and learn, time to burn
make it count with every word
live and learn, the wheels will turn
you know this time I will be heard

chorus:
'cause I ain't gonna wait for the rain to pass
and I won't live life through the looking glass
I'm gonna live every day like it were my last
'cause this time we're given's gone way too fast
I'm gonna kick a little ass!

I lived on the edge for too long
caught between the right and wrong
but those days they are long gone
I'm livin' fast, and livin' strong

bridge:
have no fear, time is here
my day in the sun is near
have no fear, I see it clear
wipe away the past's dark smear

[chorus]

admittedly I'm half insane
full speed on the nowhere train
but the voice inside my brain
tells me I've everything to gain

bridge:
hit and run, chase the sun
take your time and make life fun
hit and run, what's done is done
I'm just lookin' out for number one

[chorus]

gonna live life fast!
gonna kick some ass!
break free from the past!
'cause today might be the last!
kick some ass!
___

I always have fun with those types of songs. :D


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PostPosted: 05 Sep 2011, 16:58 
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It's a fun song. I can imagine this going with a very robust rock tune. Once again you've managed to use language in a very appealing way, and I envy your ability to come up with rhymes that fit naturally into the sense of the piece without sounding at all contrived.



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PostPosted: 14 Sep 2011, 17:30 
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This next one was going to be a song, but I couldn't quite figure out how to get it started so I turned it into a poem instead. It deals with the fact that, as we live on a planet, we think of an individual star as insignificant, but being part of a galaxy in a universe filled with potentially infinite cosmos and galaxies, we are as insignificant as we believe a star to be. It's called "Star Light, Star Trite."

star light, star bright, first star I see tonight
is it looking back at me as I gaze into it's light?
does it know I envy it for being out of reach?
does it envy me knowing I have much to teach?
if I could break my mortal chain I'd tell it everything
about galaxies unknown, being teased upon a string
if I could embody the freedom of the eternal starlit sky
I'd take that star upon my wings, together we would fly
through astronomic wonder, in a state of altered sense
nothing we would encounter could justify our existence
for there is more to this world than what you see ahead
and it will hang above eternally, for long after we're dead
so when you gaze upon the stars in the deep blue of night
remember that your astral portrait is no less trite than life
__

I had to cut it a little shorter than I initially planned because I sort of ran myself into a wall, but I think it's decent as it is.


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PostPosted: 23 Sep 2011, 02:45 
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I've been overdue for another "pent up rage" song...seriously, I thought I was going to kill someone Monday and Tuesday because I was just so pissed off at the world and I didn't even have a reason. So in order to try and let off some steam I'm going to write this one off the top of my head and hope whatever comes out gets the all the homicidal tendencies out of my system. I'm not even going to title it until I'm done since I don't know where this one is going to go just yet.

back the fuck off I can't take any fucking more
seeing your face annoys me to the goddamn core
I've got a motherfucking bullet with your name on it
and it's gonna come loose if you keep up with your shit
constructive criticism is for people without fucking fists
and I'll be happy to let them do the talking if you fucking insist
just stay the hell away from me and everything will be fine
stay 50 feet away if you don't want to be a pavement outline
'cuz I'm deadliest when you've pushed me to the very edge
and I'm about fucking ready to bash in your head with a sledge
don't say you didn't see it coming 'cuz it's right in front of you
this violent retribution I'm bringing is long fucking overdue
I don't think I'll be satisfied 'til the world is covered in blood
and every one of you fuckers that annoy me are in the fucking mud
so take a fucking hint, take a goddamn fucking lesson
you don't want to be a patient in my brutality session
so I'll say it once loud, I'll say it once more clear for you
back the fuck off motherfuckers 'cause my aim is true
keep your thoughts to yourself and just let me fucking be
I'm a fucking homicidal maniac, that's what you've made of me
___

Looking back over it I'm not sure if it should be a poem or a song...either way is fine, I guess. I think it helped get some things off my chest that I wouldn't/couldn't ordinarily say to people, seeing as the people that piss me off most are the customers at my work and I'd get fired if I said anything even NEAR one of the lines above, lol. I guess I'm going to title it "Homicidal Tendencies" based on what I said when I was introducing it and the last line about being a homicidal maniac.


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PostPosted: 23 Sep 2011, 18:03 
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Once again I've failed to spot one of your posts. (Silly Mercury. Give me a green dinosaur when Venom posts. :p)

I really like Star Light, Star Trite! It flows well, the rhymes sound very natural and provide appropriate emphasis, and the message is clear without being excessively unsubtle.

The theme of Homicidal Tendencies is not so much to my personal taste, but I still think it's well-written and the style definitely suits the theme and gives the necessary vehemence to bring out the extreme anger you're feeling. I know you tend not to use punctuation and capital letters in your songs and poems anyway, but in this one I think the lack of any punctuation gives it added impact: it gives the impression of a torrent of emotions being poured out without pause.



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PostPosted: 23 Sep 2011, 21:45 
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I'm glad you got the impression of me pouring my emotions without pause, since that's exactly what I did with that one. I just wrote my anger out and somehow managed to keep a rhyme going at the same time without stopping too long to think about it.

Speaking of rhymes, I wanted to make a song that focused mainly on good rhyme vibes rather than any underlying theme or meaning. This was brought about by me listening to the band Protest the Hero, a band whose songs seem to focus more on rhythmic structure than anything else. It's called "Nothing's As It Seems" due to the nature of the lines, the way that the first part of a line counteracts with the second one in some way, except the first two and last two lines since they sort of set up the song and close it, respectively. So here it is:

nothing in this life is quite what it all seems
can't separate reality from my haunting dreams
not alive and breathing but I'm years away from death
nothing's there and beating but still I must draw breath
not quite unhappy but I'm hardly so complacent
not so very far away but not nearly so adjacent
I can't leave you here today but I bid you a farewell
I don't belong in heaven but I'm too cold to be in hell
I'm drowning in an swirling ocean at the shallow end
the other voice inside of me becomes my enemy and friend
falling from imagined heights while I'm on the ground
open wide to scream away but I don't make a sound
things they tend to fall apart in the middle of construction
barriers for my defense are scheduled for destruction
toss the detonator but get ready to watch it blow
don't declare a state of war 'cuz paperwork is slow
hindsight's 20/20 if you're looking in the mirror
open up your twisted mind to see it all much clearer
'cuz what you see is what you get but you won't see a thing
sold to the highest bidder as you let your freedom ring
amazed and dazed and locked away you're hard to fascinate
never passing on your knowledge yet still you procreate
empty all your pockets and still you'll claim you're rich
the toast of all the town is just a son of a fucking bitch
never was a winner but I always have my stroke of luck
I care enough to show up but I just don't give a fuck
'cuz reality is broken nothing here is ever what it seems
so won't you come inside my friend and sleep inside my dreams


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PostPosted: 25 Sep 2011, 18:58 
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Hey, that's rather fun! I do like all those... I was going to say paradoxes, but the pairs of states are not quite mutually exclusive; I can't quite think of a suitable noun for the way they contradict each other. But whatever they are, I like it. The concept very much fits the idea of the confusion between reality and a dream world.



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PostPosted: 25 Sep 2011, 21:49 
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I'm still in the mood for more bouncy, groovy, rhyme-y fun, so here's something else I came up with.

"Supernova"

born and raised on superstition
seer of the premonition
met with skepticism and derision
burning starlit skies
the masses roll their eyes
soon to know the price of indecision

oh no...

they say that you're so twisted
no help could be enlisted
against the coming threat from out in heaven
stardust in your eyes
they say it makes you blind
as they commit the deadly sins of seven

pre-chorus:
the skies are lit with fire
the world becomes your pyre
they all called you a liar
as they slept in blissful desire

chorus:
sitting in your empty room
gazing at the stars that loom
spelling out impending doom
supernova goes kaboom

you tried to make them run
but they chased you with their guns
outcast, loser, misfit, social pariah
you wrote them paragraphs
now they're writing epitaphs
the world hangs in the balance on a wire

[pre-chorus]
[chorus]

bridge:
the skyline begins to burn
mankind will never learn
the world shall cease to turn
by a constellation spurned

infernal blaze is all consuming
there's no safety in assuming
that the world is safe to die another day
heaven's calculated death
eradication of life's breath
pieces of creation are melting away

pre-chorus:
the world is blazed in fire
rotting funeral pyre
escape the only desire
as the flames are burning higher

chorus:
burning in your empty room
stars aligned to spell your doom
say goodbye to the man in the moon
supernova goes kaboom


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PostPosted: 26 Sep 2011, 17:30 
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A very interesting theme. It amuses me that you describe a song about the destruction of the world as bouncy, groovy, rhyme-y fun :D. It sounds like this song is intended as the lyrics to some pretty upbeat music. I like the idea of a bouncy song about a dark subject.

In terms of the actual content, I was very taken with the opening lines. I really like the way they sound when recited aloud. The rhythm and rhyme work beautifully together. The other thing that I liked especially was the two versions of the pre-chorus and chorus, and the way the second one, after the disaster has occurred, reflects the words and phrases used in the first one, but put into a much darker, more bitter context.

All in all, some very effective writing, imo.



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PostPosted: 26 Sep 2011, 18:17 
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Thanks. I was listening to a Dio album when I started coming up with the song, and because so many of his songs are catchy and fun to listen to even if the subject matter is somber or otherwise considered a darker theme, it made it easier to write a song that, at first glance appears upbeat, but is actually something a little more sinister when you read into it. I even imagined the song in my head with his vocals, and it almost felt like happy song that would exude good feelings on the listener, as long as they didn't pay too much attention to the lyrics anyway. XD I honestly didn't start writing it to have such a serious tone, it just kinda happened, but I'm quite pleased with it regardless.


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PostPosted: 26 Sep 2011, 20:29 
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More bouncy, serious in tone but lighthearted in overall vibe goodness I came up with after listening to the song "Parting Shot" by GWAR. ^_^

"Thou Shalt Not Steal"

a stranger to the light
you roam the dark of night
ensuing search unfolds
consuming lust for gold
taking not what's yours
consumerism for the poor
feel remorse you ought
before you get yourself caught

chorus:
a ticket for your meal
dreams are now made real
indifference that you feel
when you hear "thou shalt not steal"

line your pockets of lust
their things were just collecting dust
you'll put them to good use
or towards substance abuse
"I'll make what's yours be mine
so I can see that silver shine"
of all the things you've sold
the most valuable was your soul

[chorus]

bridge:
see no evil in self-preservation
if you don't use it it's not desecration
so many things lost to antiquitation
they're better served to fight your starvation
got no time for well thought contemplation
when all you see is a greed obsessed nation
excitation of theft your lust and elation
apathetic to those who proclaim your damnation
but who's that watching through grainy filtration
it's the friendly people at the police station

alone you never thought
that you could ever be caught
the verdict seals your fate
you're an enemy of the state
you failed your lonely mission
and found yourself locked in a prison
regret wells up inside, you'll feel
echoes scream "thou shalt not steal!"


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PostPosted: 27 Sep 2011, 16:10 
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While this one doesn't grab me quite as much as the previous one, I still think it's a really well-written song. The "story" follows a good logical progression, the sentiments it expresses make a lot of sense, and, as always, your choice of vocabulary and the way you've expressed it are wonderful. I particularly like the bridge, but my favourite lines of all were the end of the chorus:
"of all the things you've sold
the most valuable was your soul".
I felt that once again you'd managed to express something quite profound in just a few words.



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PostPosted: 28 Sep 2011, 16:14 
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This next one is sort of an odd song whose message didn't really become what it was until I wrote the first verse and chorus. Essentially it's a song that speaks out against people who try to force their faith on others, which was the initial idea, but it sort of turned into the same thing from the point of view of someone with a preference for evil, or maybe a Satan worshipper, or both...I'm not sure, lol. With that in mind I've decided to title it "Sanctus Lucifer" which is Latin for something to the effect of "holy Lucifer" (assuming the translation I found is accurate, at least) because it kinda reflects the last two lines of the chorus in that the singer is willingly giving their soul to the devil.

your messages of good intent
only serve to breed contempt
insisting all shall bow and repent
or face the wrath of the evil serpent
just leave me alone!
you spread the ancient words so wise
don't you know they're only lies?
I see right through your weak disguise
a remedy of faith to blind their eyes
just leave me alone! I won't atone!

[chorus:
leave me be, my fate is sealed
rejection of your will to heal
at judgement day I'll have no appeal
I'll stand and die before I kneel
the dark caress I long to feel
the devil's due, my soul to steal]

all you see you aim to convert
those who deny are left to die in the dirt
it's time to hit you where it hurts
we'll keep the faithful on high alert
so leave me alone!
every word you say enrages
as you blindly quote those holy pages
to the damned the world is full of stages
while the pious remain locked in their cages
so leave me alone! I'm casting the first stone!

[repeat chorus]

[bridge:
begin the ascention of the damned
to spread ill will across the land
we'll bite the hand that feeds us lies
until your faith in your God dies]

for the holy blood you thirst
but in the end your blood spills first
a hellish nightmare at it's worst
retribution for all those you've cursed
you shoulda left us alone!
upon the cross we'll hang you high
like your idol Jesus Christ
unlike him you'll fail to rise
for hell awaits you when you die
you shoulda left us alone! now you're only bones!

[repeat chorus]


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PostPosted: 29 Sep 2011, 17:27 
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Very interesting, and quite powerful. I'm a Christian, but even so, I can very much empathise with people who dislike having religion thrust down their throats. I think the song expresses some very credible sentiments.

(Btw, I think you'll find the title should be "Sanctus Lucifer", rather than "Luciferi". "Luciferi" would be genitive singular, or a plural.)



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PostPosted: 29 Sep 2011, 20:35 
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Then it shall be so. ^_^ It must be nice to know these things instead of having to rely on the internet to tell you like I do, lol. I've always thought Latin would be a cool language to learn even though I'd never be able to use it except in writing since no one really speaks it, at least no one anywhere where I'll ever be going.

Anyway, this is another "pent up rage" song, again. Not that I'm particularly pissed off right this minute but it's still fun to write them to vent frustration, plus it means I can plan this one out and structure it a little better than the last one, which was pretty much written with nothing but "RRRRRRHAAAAGH RAGERAGERAGERAGE" in mind. XD The chorus is inspired by the song Blacklist by Exodus.

"Cross Your Heart, Cross You Off (My Blacklist)" (working title...not 100% sure on it yet but it's the best I've come up with thus far)

my complacent nature is so misleading
'cause deep inside my hatred's breeding
back the fuck off, my anger's seething
just one more word, and you'll be bleeding
your face, my fist, they'll soon be meeting
just one inch away from a savage beating
the streets will run red, as your blood is streaming
I'll make it quick, the pain will be fleeting
almost as if you were only dreaming
until you realize, it's you who's screaming

[chorus:
murder, my love letter sealed with a fist
never see it comin' 'cause ignorance is bliss
I'm locked and I'm loaded and I don't ever miss
coldness creeping in as you receive death's kiss
who ever told you I didn't want it to end like this?
you're just one more name to cross off of my blacklist]

my temperature rises as my anger starts to boil
malevolent rage keeps me burnin' like oil
ready to strike, like a snake I'm coiled
entering the fray, it's my deadly battle royal
to the murderous victor belong all the spoils
if you wanted your share ya shoulda stayed loyal
under foot too long, like a slave I've toiled
my rebellion begins, submit to the turmoil
I'll put you where you belong, six feet below soil
unfettered by the force of the shotgun's recoil

[repeat chorus]

the world is under blood and I'm under a spell
as I watch the motherfuckers descend into hell
none could ever soothe me, my rage can't be quelled
I'll give no remorse or excuses for all those who fell
the bodies piled higher at the toll of the bell
ringing the joyously alluring final death knell
choking on the air of the rotting corpse smell
should I send you to join them? yeah, may as well
you question your suffering but I'll never tell
because I'm soon to know the comfort of a lovely padded cell

[repeat chorus]

___

I've got another song brewing but I got stuck trying to finish it so I'll do it later.


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PostPosted: 30 Sep 2011, 20:55 
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Despite what I said above, this is not the song I got stuck trying to finish. However, this is, I think, much better than what I was working on.

This is a song that goes farther than any I've written thus far (IMO) at telling a coherent story, with actual characters and places (though none are named) that exist only in my mind. It's called "A Dark Rose For the King" and details the story of a half angel, half demon (which I didn't think of until I came up with the line "is mother watching from below") who is cast from heaven by her father (who isn't God, but some other undecided deity) due to this fact, and she is found on earth in medieval times and forced to become a slave to a king there, where she is made to commit mostly sexual acts by whomever the king allows to have her. You may notice I've denoted the lines in quotations with a name, this is, of course, the character speaking the lines. I'm not 100% sure that would translate into a different singer if this were a real song (I'm not that big a fan of such things) but I wanted to give the song a little more depth by telling the reader who was speaking rather than just having the lines there in quotes without much explanation.

the heavens opened, gaping wide
burning as she broke the sky
a daughter of celestial birth
exiled to the war-torn earth

as the noble horsemen ride
angelic light strikes them blind
Knight: "she'll surely take the king's fascination
to the castle with this abomination!"

[pre-chorus:
bound and chained to servitude
commiting acts debased and lewd
satisfy his lustful attitude
whatever suits his regal mood]

[chorus:
fallen on tattered and broken wings
a tarnished halo and golden rings
on display like a puppet on strings
a brand new dark rose for the king]

forced unto his wicked whim
she serves all, not only him
beyond the iron castle doors
an astral queen becomes a whore

an exhibit of sinful display
tortured by the night and day
King: "you are mine, I decree hence
in bondage, slavery and decadence"

[repeat pre-chorus and chorus]

stripped of all her godlike power
succumbing to death with every hour
Angel: "does father in heaven no longer care?
in my plight, I'm alone and scared"

Angel: "the king he comes to me again
oh father, save me from this sin!"
King: "there's no escape, you're mine 'til death
now close your eyes, and hold your breath"

[repeat pre-chorus and chorus]

the angel resigns herself to fate
a victim of the proud god's hate
lamenting all she's come to know
Angel: "is mother watching from below?"

locked in dungeons 'til she's needed
a sensual call from the king is heeded
King: "I need my dark rose so divine
to fulfill every desire of mine"

[closing chorus:
a divine temptress for the king
bourne on broken burning wings
heaven sees but do they know
what fate befell the king's dark rose]


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PostPosted: 01 Oct 2011, 17:37 
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"Cross Your Heart, Cross You Off (My Blacklist)" comes across as a little too similar to your other pent up rage song, although I realise that if they had melodies written for them they would very likely sound totally different. But I was particularly taken with the first and last lines of the chorus, and the way you'd expressed the sentiments they contained (especially the coldly logical idea that the person's death means they can come off your blacklist).

I liked your idea for "A Dark Rose For the King". I was actually wondering whether it would be possible to extend it and create a story that leads to some kind of denouement, and turn it into a full-scale ballad.



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PostPosted: 01 Oct 2011, 21:07 
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One thing that I'm particularly proud of myself for accidentally doing with Dark Rose for the King was leaving it open for expansion, so, yes, I've got the ideas there and I'm going to run with them. I say accidentally because I was thinking, a while after I wrote it, that I didn't really give the song any closure, and I started lamenting that fact until I realized that I left it in a position where I could go further than just the one song. Actually I plan on doing a prequel first, I know where I want to go with it, I'm just too tired to write right now. But stay tuned. ^_^


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PostPosted: 02 Oct 2011, 18:35 
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That sounds very interesting. I will certainly stay tuned. :D



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PostPosted: 03 Oct 2011, 00:14 
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Contrary to what I said about "a" prequel, I've actually come up with like...4. lol. I've had plenty of time to flesh out the backstory (as well as where it goes after "A Dark Rose For the King") and decided to put all of it into songs.

This first one is where the storyline begins. To sum things up briefly, the mother of the Dark Rose/Angel, henceforth called "Devil Rose" (I'll explain my desire to not name characters momentarily) comes upon the very same king from "A Dark Rose..." and offers him immortality in exchange for his vast riches. The King agrees after some thought as he realizes he'll have an infinite amount of time to rebuild his stock of gold and jewels. The Devil Rose's motivation for this offer is that her status in the underworld will be elevated to such that she will be crowned ruler due to her immense fortunes.

"Thorn of Desire"

in a lavish castle, a foul king dreams
ignorant to his people's screams
he lives only for greed of gold
amassing vast fortunes untold

Devil Rose: "arise, my lord..."

King: "who speaks, is it my departed queen?
no! a demon, most unclean!"

Devil Rose: "fear not, my lord I only ask one thing
a small donation from the king"

he feels he must surely still slumber
peering into eyes of lustful hunger
she comes upon him, it burns like fire
pricked upon the thorn of desire

King: "what more doth thou offer for my treasure
or come you bearing only flesh pleasures?"

Devil Rose: "I offer eternal life, your eyes shall not close
as long as you never hold another dark rose"

the king he contemplates her offer
King: "a thousand lifetimes to fill my empty coffers"
Devil Rose: "sign hither with blood, my sire"
pricked upon the thorn of desire

Devil Rose: "now eternal youth is yours, my lord
but remember this well, my final words
if you ever deflower another rose
a blessing becomes a curse bestowed"

the king dismissed her forewarning
as he longed to see a hundred mornings
as he lie to sleep in the bedchambers
he felt the eyes, not of a stranger
__

Those last two lines set up the next one, where the king is lying in his bed only to be visited by an apparition of the late queen protruding from a portrait of her in his room. This is the first of at least two that I've thought of so far that will be made up entirely of dialogue.

"Portraiture Foreboding"

King: "surely I sleep alone as always
there's no others stirring in the quiet hallways
but I cannot convince myself I am alone
devil woman, return to your home!"

Queen: "it is not the demon, but I, your love
hath thou forsaken the light from above?"

King: "my queen? no, it cannot be true
I've lived these nineteen months without you
I must be dreaming, I cannot believe
from this nightmare I must seek reprieve"

Queen: "you've nothing to fear, I mean no harm
I've only a moment so I must warn
you must heed the demon's advice yet
or suffer the evil Curse of Scarlette"

King: "have no worries, I've sworn off seduction
I'll spend my days replenishing my gold reduction"

Queen: "for your sake, ward off dark sin
or face the wrath of the Asgardian
for the curse of a broken blood pact
is nothing compared to the divine's attack"

King: "I fear for nothing, I have life neverending
and a thousand men, trained to die in defending
so my queen, if you should see your meek lord
inform him I've no unease of his arrogant discord"

Queen: "oh my beloved lord, if only you could know
the consequence of bargaining with a vile dark rose..."
___

I almost forgot to name that one. lmao. Also, "The Asgardian" is the father of the Dark Rose, mentioned in "A Dark Rose for the King."

As I mentioned earlier, I have a reason for not giving my characters actual names. I feel that to describe them as "King" and "Devil Rose" gives the reader a chance to create their own visual interpretation of the characters. I mean, if the King was named "King John" for instance people might think of some guy named John they know dressed as a king, and then they'd get a laugh out of it. But as just "King" the reader can use their imagination to create their own visualization of the characters. Also, the "Curse of Scarlette" mentioned above is something I'll expand upon later, but, I would simply like to point out that Scarlette is not a name, per se, or at least not a character that will appear in this saga. It's just something to go with the "rose" theme. I'm also trying to think of something to name the entire saga, but I'm still working on that. Either way I'll put the next part(s) up soon.

In the meantime I want to leave this post with a bit of Venomous history: the only time in recent memory I've written anything that didn't rhyme. I know! Imagine the topsy-turvy, flip-flopped world we must have lived in back in 2004 (when I wrote this) for me to come up with something that didn't have any sort of rhythmic flow to it...it's curious, to say the least. XD

"Never Return Alive"

You walk through the valley of death, a river of darkness, to the burial grounds
you brought yourself here, and you'll never return alive
on the path of despair, to the trail of sorrow, over the mountain of hate
the things you knew on earth are still here
and you'll never escape, you'll never return alive
the shadows whisper your name, it's cold on their breath
they're opening the doorway to what lies past death
you enter the opening, you're consumed by fire
your punishment is hell, and you'll never return alive

__

Granted two lines rhyme, but still. lol. Also, I found this one in the same thread from the forum I originally posted these on and wanted to toss it in here 'cause I like it.

"Eight Bit Castle Eight"

world eight, level four
this is the last level, there are no more
the levels before this seemed such a hassle
when all you heard was "thank you Mario, but our princess is in another castle"
Well you can get that out of your mind
this is the last stage, you won't hear it this time
so onward brave Mario, the princess is ahead
grab the axe, cut the bridge, and send Bowser to his fiery bed


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PostPosted: 04 Oct 2011, 22:28 
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I'm taking a break from the Dark Rose Saga (title still pending) to a) get some things set in stone before I write them (in the saga) and b) vent.

I'd like to point out beforehand that this was written specifically NOT to be taken seriously, so if I wrote something potentially offensive (I know some of it is offensive, I just don't know if it would apply to anyone here), take solace in the fact that it was all for the sake of humor and getting my road rage off my chest, not to make fun of anyone. If that doesn't work then...fuck it, be offended for all I care. lol.

"Road Rage"

hey there granny I see ya drivin' real slow
so do us all a favor and get off the fuckin' road
hey Asian honey you know I think you're pretty hot
so is drivin' down the road with your blinker on - NOT

all these motherfuckers clutterin' up the highway
wish I was a pilot, pass 'em on the aerial byway
when I get stuck behind some asshole drivin' 35
they better count their lucky stars if they get home alive

'cuz I run any motherfucker off the road if I please
'cuz bad drivers seem to multiply like some moronic disease
I don't wanna get stuck behind some old guy in a Taurus
'cuz when I'm on the road all I wanna do is haul ass

'cuz I'm a wild man, can't drive 55, no sir
oh and by the way, get a goddamn muffler
on that fuckin' Harley or your old piece of shit car
'cuz you know damn well a corpse can't drive far

speakin' of Harleys, I hate those stupid motherfuckers
if you ride one of them you probably got raped by your brother
so you try to act all tough but you know you ain't nothin'
go stick your dick in the tailpipe for some afterburn lovin'

who else can I call out, oh yeah, fuckin' old people suck
they actually approved you for a license, what the goddamn fuck?
your ass can't even see over the goddamn steering wheel
you'd be better off at home gettin' house delivered meals

if it ain't too obvious by this point I got me some road rage
so stay out of my way or end up on the obituary page
I'm sick and goddamn tired of all you lame ass motorists
one more warning - better clear a path, 'cuz I know you won't be missed
___

This next...thing (could be a song or a poem...either way) is what happens when you have far...far...FAR too much free time on your hands.

"Missile Command"

terrorists got our codes, they're prepping for a launch
as the whole world can only stand idly by and watch
but wait, there's someone willing to lend a helping hand
it's the friendly folks down at the Missile Command

when the world's at stake you gotta learn to trust
the folks who're gonna make their evil plans go bust
when missiles are rainin' over every inch of the land
you gotta put your faith in the Missile Command

one, two, three, four, rockets fire off but still missiles pour
five, six, seven, eight, ain't nothin' to fear, their aim is great

don't worry 'bout a thing it's all under control
your heroes are in a bunker down an ol' foxhole
when the bad guys strike they gonna make a stand
teach a lesson 'bout fuckin' with the Missile Command

aim so true they could hit Asteroids from a mile away
or blast a tiny Centipede like it was just a game
they could take out the Lunar Lander without even tryin'
or blow out a Pitfall for the bad guys to lie in

so remember this, terrorists, you ain't got a chance
so before you attack better rethink your stance
don't even bother stating your silly demands
'cause you just gonna get schooled by the Missile Command

__

I still think the contraction "who're" is funny. Yes, for the reason you think. XD That's the first time I've actually used it semi-seriously though.


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PostPosted: 08 Oct 2011, 17:33 
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Nice to see some more of the "Dark Rose" story. The way it's developing it could end up being a concept album.

I loved "Road Rage". Yes, it could be seen as offensive if taken seriously, but the impression it gave wasn't that it was your personal view of other motorists but more that of someone who was probably just as much of an ass on the roads as the people he was ranting at, which I found highly amusing. I thought
"'cuz I run any motherfucker off the road if I please
'cuz bad drivers seem to multiply like some moronic disease"
was nicely ironic. :D

That last song/poem was rather strange in an interesting and quite fun way. Not a subject I would have thought of for a song or poem. What made you come up with the idea of Missile Command? :D

Oh, and I nearly forgot the free verse poem. Yes, it was very different from your usual style, but I liked it a lot. Quite dark but not maudlin.



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PostPosted: 09 Oct 2011, 00:19 
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[QUOTE=Ute;125241]Nice to see some more of the "Dark Rose" story. The way it's developing it could end up being a concept album.[/QUOTE]

I'm hoping to write enough content to make it happen, so, maybe 8-9 songs total at least. I'm still trying to put it all together, it's not on my mind as much as it was a few days ago but I'm making sure to not forget about it. I'll have to pick back up soon though or else I may not follow through on my original ideas and it may lose some meaning...I just haven't really been in the mood to write.

Quote:
That last song/poem was rather strange in an interesting and quite fun way. Not a subject I would have thought of for a song or poem. What made you come up with the idea of Missile Command? :D


To be honest, I have no idea. Again, it just happened because I had way too much free time on my hands and it just sort of came to me in one of my random brainstorms/brainfarts...not sure which one it was. I thought of the first verse in my head for no particular reason and decided I wanted to run with it.

Quote:
but the impression it gave wasn't that it was your personal view of other motorists but more that of someone who was probably just as much of an ass on the roads as the people he was ranting at


It's kinda both, actually. I'm always cursing (to myself) about how stupid people are on the road and how much they suck at driving before I go jumping into the other lane to fly around them like an idiot. XD The difference is I actually pay attention to what I'm doing, even if I'm a bit brash about it.


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