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PostPosted: 24 May 2012, 07:51 
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[QUOTE=Venom;208859]I finished writing this song just now, and figured I'd go ahead and post it before I decide it's not good enough and delete it (because I've done that with two songs already) so...I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a rage song or a death metal song. Maybe it's both. >_>

"Cadavearth"

I've had enough of the world and all it's shit
I crave the sight of blood in the drainage ditch
I swore to myself I wouldn't commit homicide
but the axe in your chest says the promise died

it's time for plan B: mass murder and revenge
injected in your veins through a poison syringe
you think I'm insane, that's just your opinion
I just wanna spread the reign of death's dominion

[pre-chorus:
and I wish I may, I wish I might
crush your fucking skull tonight
the smell of death is getting worse
with each delivery from my hearse]

[chorus:
the world is a casket just waiting to be filled
with the bodies of every motherfucker I've killed
I'll bleed this fucking planet for all it's worth
tag the toe and close the drawer on this cadavearth]

digging out a mass grave, I won't leave no roses
just a pile of corpses, striking rigid poses
my profession changes from hitman to grave digger
depending on if my finger is on the trigger

[pre-chorus and chorus]

the air is thick, the grass is black and dead
I'll complete the scenery with your severed head
there's no stopping my mission of de-population
until I've fixed earth's human over-saturation

[chorus][/QUOTE]



Well if its any consolation Venny I like this one. I can hear the music for it in my head. I would say I wish it was longer but I find sometimes you gotta stop when you have something good before you add too much that dont fit and fuck it up. (I do that all the time and have to start songs over)




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PostPosted: 25 May 2012, 12:46 
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Not my favourite theme, I have to admit, but as usual you've managed to create a pretty good song from it. I always enjoy seeing what you've come up with in the way of rhymes in your pieces - they're so interesting and original!



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PostPosted: 30 May 2012, 16:55 
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Thanks, to both of you, for the positive comments. :)

Got two more, to post. This first one is...suicide-y. I don't really know how else to put it. Some of the themes go back to that thing I wrote from a character's point of view, specifically the acknowledgment of self-doubt.

"Cure for Life"

the writing on the wall, inked in blood
repressed emotions break into a flood
self-doubt playing on my insecurities
reminding me of all of my impurities
everything I ever thought that mattered
hits the floor and the pieces shatter
death beckons me towards the exit door
the key lies in the blood on the floor

I know it's not right, but I can no longer fight
I'm losing my sight, the dark obscures the light
and the last thing I see is myself laughing at me

[chorus:
the cure for life is administered in death
solace in eternity upon my final choking breath
I convinced myself that suicide was not the way
but I see it as my only escape from this decay
the cure for life is saved for our last breath
solace in serenity as I embrace the arms of death
forlorn, unborn, twisting the knife, my veins are torn
now my eyes have realized, the cure for life is my demise]

every time I see my face in the mirror
a pale shadow of myself cowers in terror
afraid of everything that it might see
that I'm not the man I'm supposed to be
to break free of life is the only course
to drain the last drop of my life force
I taught myself that suicide was wrong
but this life of mine's gone on too long

so I tear out my heart, as my life falls apart
with the last dying spark, everything goes dark
and the last thing I see is myself laughing at me

[chorus]

the end is coming near, I see it all too clear
the whispers I hear, are everything I held dear
and the last thing I see is myself laughing at me
laughing in the face of everything I could never be

[chorus]

______

This one came out of my frustration of dealing with my parents treating me like I'm still a child and the fact that they try to make me into the person they want me to be, with no consideration as to who I want to be.

"S.T.F.U." (for lack of anything better at the moment)

you just nag nag nag, 'cause you're a fucking hag
only way to to shut you up is with a chloroform rag
you're passive-agressive, your methods are repressive
the egocentric overlord, your "knowledge" is opressive

think you know what it's about, got it all figured out
but you don't know a thing so just shut your fucking mouth
got me backed against a wall, with no option but to fall
into oblivion, where I can get away from the know-it-alls

you see through jaded eyes, crown yourself the most wise
you want me to believe all the things I thought were lies
you play the sagacious, appetite for control is voracious
your outdated mentality is straight out of the cretaceous

you're pushing me into the ground, six feet further down
your hammer is the truth and I'm the nails that you pound
give me some breathing room 'cause you're spelling my doom
if you block out the sunlight then I can never fully bloom

so turn me loose, before I start fashioning my own noose
the weight of the world is all I'm asking you to reduce
you dropped it all on my shoulders, like a megaton boulder
the weight is killing me, with every day I'm getting older

just keep your fucking ideals, nothing you believe is real
let me out of here, don't keep me trapped under your wheels
I'm sick of every word, some people should never be heard
when every conversation is another lesson to be learned

so quit being so vocal, just keep your inner thoughts local
all I need to survive in life is to keep my own dreams focal
so just stay out of my brain, 'cause you're driving me insane
just shut your fucking mouth, relieve this unbearable strain

_______

I was gonna try to end this post with a more lighthearted song, but I've gotten stuck trying to finish the same song twice now, so I'm about to give up and trash it. :\


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PostPosted: 30 May 2012, 17:52 
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It seems quite appropriate, since the second song accuses your parents (or anonymous oppressor, if it's intended to be more generalised) of driving you towards suicide, to have these two songs together.

Of the two, I like the first one best, although the second one has some very nice aspects too. I really like the title, and I like the fact that the phrase gets used several times in the chorus. Actually, I think the chorus is my favourite part: there are so many effective touches in it. I love the paring of "solace in eternity" and "solace in serenity" in the two halves of the chorus, and coupled with their respective "the cure for life" statements, they give the chorus a nice symmetry. I also love the the effect of the rhymes in "forlorn, unborn, twisting the knife, my veins are torn". The other thing that struck me as particularly effective (not in the chorus this time) is the constant repetition of "and the last thing I see is myself laughing at me".

S.T.F.U. has some wonderful rhymes in it (this seems to be a real forté of yours). I particularly liked
"you play the sagacious, appetite for control is voracious
your outdated mentality is straight out of the cretatceous"
but there were several others that struck me as very effective too.

If you haven't yet trashed the more lighthearted song I suggest you just put it away somewhere for now. If you go back to it in a few months time you may well find that looking at it afresh will give you some inspiration.



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PostPosted: 06 Jun 2012, 19:33 
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I don't know how I came up with this, but once I did, I had to flesh it out. I wanted to make this ridiculous and a bit silly, and I think I succeeded on some level. I suppose this could be taken seriously, but the same could be said about a lot of things that are meant to be tongue-in-cheek.

"I Wanna Be a Dictator"

third world hellhole paradise
mustard gas and genocide
foreign policy: nonexistant
decimating all resistance

liars, cheaters, hypocrites
the members of my cabinet
no need for an ambassador
peace talks end in massacres

[pre-chorus:
executing all the haters
infidels and masturbators
Ghandi types and demonstrators
cuff 'em now and kill 'em later]

[chorus:
I wanna be a dictator!
yeah, I wanna be a dictator! (x2)]

send your spies and listeners
'cause we don't take no prisoners
failure of interrogations
results in death by slow castration

don't intervene in my affairs
'cause martial law has been declared
just leave me to my own device
the power trips I so delight

[pre-chorus and chorus]

ruling with an iron fist
elections? ha! they don't exist
my voice is the word and law
never, ever to withdraw

I sit upon the throne of God
judgement passed by firing squads
none will ever stake my claim
history won't forget my name

[pre-chorus and chorus]


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PostPosted: 07 Jun 2012, 04:36 
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That's rather good! (Pretty accurate too.)



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PostPosted: 09 Jun 2012, 02:23 
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This is just...something I needed to get off my chest.

"Closure"

there's no love left in my broken heart
but if there was I'd give it all to you
the rose's thorns cause my heart to bleed
now I can no longer tell if my love was true
but I would give everything for a chance
a chance to give you all that you want
I would lose it all to go back to that day
to beg you to stay, even if it was for naught


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PostPosted: 09 Jun 2012, 17:02 
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That's really moving, and, since you said you needed to get it off your chest, I presume it's all true, which makes it even more poignant. And sad. :(



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PostPosted: 12 Jun 2012, 23:28 
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I was going to try and explain that last one, but I couldn't figure out the way to go about it, so I'm just going to let it continue to speak for itself. Or something. I'm not sure that makes sense, but just roll with it. :p

This is a little song I threw together just now because I had an idea and some rhymes to use, so I put them together.

"Premature Burial"

buried six feet in the dirt
committed early to the earth
left in the dark to die alone
you scream and scream but no one knows

[chorus:
buried alive, buried alive
choking on your will to survive
buried alive, buried alive
a Texas funeral in overdrive]

suffered a premature burial
nothing could be scarier
in the dark you dare to dream
that others will hear your silent scream

[chorus]

suffering from malnutrition
haunted by an apparition
darkness is your only friend
suffocating you 'til the bitter end

[chorus]

the end is near for you today
you now belong inside this grave
no one answered when you asked why
rolling in your own grave until you die

[closing chorus:
buried alive, buried alive
not much longer 'til you die
buried alive, buried alive
for the throes of death you strive]


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PostPosted: 15 Jun 2012, 10:55 
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Ooh! That's scary! Very dark!



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PostPosted: 15 Jun 2012, 19:27 
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Getting back to the lighter side of things, I just wrote this song that I have no idea why I wrote. It's basically about a tough-as-nails motorcycle gang, or something, which is weird because I don't really like motorcycle gangs, particularly because most of them drive Choppers and Harleys and whatnot and I don't care for those types of bikes. But I do like classic rock and metal, which is really what inspired me here, mainly the band W.A.S.P. So with all that out of the way, here's a song that I've written about a topic I know absolutely nothing about. XD

"Hellraisers and Handlebars"

I was born and raised to be a true hellraiser
runnin' from the law, takin' shots from their tazers
nine to five ain't for me, I tore off my blue blazer
now I ride with a gang of hell-bred devil chasers

hot rods and imports, they don't do nothing for me
two wheels and handlebars is all I'll ever need
chasin't the sun, 'cause we're always on the run
but we ain't done, 'til we've had some more fun

[chorus:
hellraisers and handlebars
coast to coast, we raise hell near and far
hellraisers and handlebars
we're freewheel burnin' highway superstars
hellraisers and handlebars
fuck your V-8, we ain't drivin' no cars
hellraisers and handlebars
we don't give a damn, 'cause we are who we are]

ridin' through the rain and the dirt and the mud
anyone talks shit, they'll be lyin' in their blood
takin' to the streets like a black leather flood
pickin' up more babes than any Hollywood stud

so keep your Ford, your Chevy and your Maserati
two wheels and handlebars is all we need to party
ridin' 'til the end, Johnny Law ain't our friend
'comin 'round the bend, into Hell we descend

[chorus]

[bridge:
hellraisers...handlebars
signal our coming with electric guitars
hellraisers...handelbars
a world tour of destruction, and we're the stars
hellraisers...handlebars
we were born this way, it's just who we are
hellraisers...handlebars
a brotherhood of badass, you can't tear us apart]

we're runnin' wild, like a true hellion child
never go out of style, we'll be here for a while
our cannons are loose, that's just how we choose
even at the noose, we'll never ever call a truce

[chorus]


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PostPosted: 21 Jun 2012, 21:20 
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This is another one of those "get it off my chest" things, but this one is less sad because it's about moving on.

"Even Though You're Gone"

ever since the day you left me standing alone
I said I'd give everything to have you back home
I was susceptible to my false hopes and dreams
my inability to cope was taken to the extreme
but I can't keep letting your memory come around
the weight of despair keeps me pinned to the ground
I've got to forget you and move on with my life
so if you can hear me out there, this is goodbye

[chorus:
even though you are gone
they say life still goes on
and it's always the darkest
when you're awaiting the dawn
even though you're not here
I see things perfectly clear
I can't live my life
if I can't overcome the fear
the fear of being alone
of being left on my own
I will never allow
my heart to turn into stone
even though you are gone...I'll still live on]

I convinced myself I'd never be happy without you
I told myself that I would never find somebody new
in the end there's only myself to take the blame
for the hell I've been through, the torture and shame
I still feel love for you, but you can't have it today
I gotta share it with someone who will never run away
I hope that you were able to move on with your life
'cause if you can hear me out there, this is goodbye

[chorus]

I clung to your memory, and it got the best of me
I closed my eyes to all the pain I didn't wanna see
now I've got to let go, because you'll never know
I was digging my grave for a death that came slow
I had to heal the scars, before they tore me apart
I gotta find my way while I'm still under the stars
so now I gotta try, to make the best of my own life
as much as it pains me to say it, this is goodbye

[chorus]

_____

Also, to lighten the mood back up, this:

"Strawberry Pop-Tarts"

strawberry Pop-Tarts, strawberry Pop-Tarts
your delicious fruit filling is dear to my heart
strawberry Pop-Tarts, strawberry Pop-Tarts
you turn breakfast into a form of fine art
but when I have eaten you, you are no more
and it seems such a long drive to the store
but you are worth it, my strawberry pastry
because you are indeed so very, very tasty


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PostPosted: 23 Jun 2012, 17:14 
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Hellraisers and Handlebars is quite fun, but I think the poptarts one is even more so. :D

I thought Even Though You're Gone was very moving and I was impressed by how well it flowed, how natural the rhymes sounded and how logical the flow of thought was.



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PostPosted: 28 Jun 2012, 19:58 
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I have three songs to post this time, all of them connected to each other. The first one deals with a descent into insanity, which is likened to darkness.

"Into the Black"

into the wavelengths of my mind I ride
stricken with grief I can no longer hide
wishing the darkness was made out of sound
a concert conducted by my demons unbound

[pre-chorus:
the light begins to fade from view
my silent vows have been renewed
my mind embraces the dark ecstacy
as my body rejects the insanity]

[chorus:
into the black, into the night
into the dreams that I cannot fight
into the dark, into the storm
on raven wings nightmares are borne
into the black, into the night
the dark of my mind pervades the light
into the dark, into the depths
receive the abyss with every breath]

all that I see deteriorates into rot
in the web of a dream I have been caught
trying to force my way out from the inside
as I pray the man that I was has not died

[pre-chorus:
the light begins to fade from view
all that I see has been drawn askew
my body embraces the insanity
as my mind rejects the lucidity]

[chorus]

into the wavelengths of infernal darkness
stricken with the lunacy I now possess
trying to force my way out of my own mind
the black overwhelms as I become blind

[pre-chorus:
the view of light has all but faded
the despair of dark has permeated
defeated I fall upon blackened terrain
my body and mind are lost to the insane]

[chorus]
______

The second follows shortly after, where love is found and the insanity is cast away...or is it?

"Out of the Darkness"

as I lie upon the deserted fields of my mind
I cannot move for the darkness strikes me blind
I wish for freedom from my self-inflicted curse
to see the light again, and watch the black disperse

I've searched about the endless sinking abyss
but I've found nothing but eternal despair since
suddenly a light beams upon me from high above
am I insane? or is it really the light of love?

[pre-chorus:
you came to me deep in the darkest hour
and evicted the demons with your power
no longer blind, I can see it all clear
forever in your debt, as you hold me near]

[chorus:
out of the darkness, you command me to rise
banishing blackness by the light of your eyes
you saved me with undying love that was true
out of the darkness I run, and into the blue]

you showed me the way out from my troubled past
now I pray that our time together shall last
I wonder if I am conscious, is this what it seems?
but it matters not whether this is real or a dream

hold me close, as I praise thanks to the divine
I never knew someone like you could ever be mine
you saved me from the depths and placed me on high
if this isn't real, it's still a wonderful lie

[pre-chorus and chorus]

saved from my insanity, led to a blissful sight
like a phoenix from the ashes I rise and take flight
leaning close to me you whisper softly in my ear
you tell me everything that I've ever wanted to hear

whether this is true, or just a fevered mirage
don't tell me so as I gaze into your divine visage
you took me under your wings and filled me with joy
by an angel of the light, my demons were destroyed

[pre-chorus and chorus]
________

And, lastly, this one divulges exactly what happened to get out of the "darkness," and the consequences thereof.

"Until the Darkness Calls Me Back"

hold me close my darling
there's something that you must know
though you saved me once before
I'm falling to the darkness' undertow
please don't blame yourself
I promise it's nothing to do with you
I pledged my life to you alone
but to the devil my eternal soul is due

[chorus:
but for now I'm yours my love
until I sink into the black
I'll stay another night with you
until the darkness calls me back]

I'm sorry I never told you
I didn't want you to live life in fear
of losing me to the depths
where you could never hold me near
I don't know how long we have
every warm embrace could be my last
I wish I had been true to you
I hope you'll forgive me when I've passed

[chorus]

[bridge:
in the cold and desperate dark, I prayed to him in hell
his last words before the light, were "son I wish you well
live every day like it's your last, make it all it's worth
'cause you're soul belongs to me, once you've left the earth"]

an angel and a devil
were never meant to be together
but I was always true
when I said I'll love you forever

[closing chorus:
until I close my eyes I'm yours
then I'll fade into the black
please don't cry for me my love
when the darkness calls me back
my heart will always be with you
so be strong and don't look back
smile for me just one more time
as the darkness calls me back]
______

Looking back over them, the one thing I could have done better was fill in the blanks between the last two songs, but I'm not really sure how at the moment, so I'll leave them as they are.


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PostPosted: 04 Jul 2012, 02:20 
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This one came about because I had a good title and needed to write a song around it.

"Communihate"

isolated in torment
weak, abiding by fear
emotional development
stunted by anger and tears
no sense of a social worth
rejected by all of your peers
basic instincts taking over
logical thought disappears

[chorus:
shattered perceptions of peace of mind
reveal extermination of your kind
compassion too late, resigned to hate
in a failure to communicate]

waking into torment
screams falling into silence
convictions of an unkind world
propgating brutal violence
no sense of a mortal worth
inducing a bloodthirsty frenzy
humanity must pay in kind
begin the murderous cleansing

[chorus]

inflicting physical torment
the only way to communicate
emotional imprisionment
paroled by the power of hate
no sense of another's worth
for the torture you had to endure
violent instincts taking over
vengeance in death to ensure

[chorus]

eradication, no future to find
disruption of a peace of mind
inhibition begets hate
by a failure to communicate


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PostPosted: 09 Jul 2012, 18:56 
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This next song is about Weegee. Yes, that Weegee. Y'see, I came up with kind of a "catchphrase" for Weegee, which is the title of this song (without the parentheses) and decided to write a song about it. The thing is, instead of writing a silly song, which would make sense given what it's about, I've intentionally written it so that it still makes sense even if you don't know it's about Weegee. So it's got a serious tone, but the idea was that it could easily be renamed and performed as a song without any connections to Weegee. But, as long as we're here, at least, it's going to be all about Weegee and his ungodly stare. :P

"DEATH (IT COMES SWIFTLY)"

a stranger comes to town, appearing from nowhere
a stranger with an evil gaze, an otherworldly stare
run or lock yourself away, you must avoid his sight
for if you meet his wicked glare, you'll sink into the night

[chorus 1:
run away now people, run from this wretched man
pack your things and run to a new unforsaken land
for if he sets his gaze on you, you are soon to see
fear will strike you paralyzed, and death follows swiftly]

no one knows where he comes from, or if he'll ever leave
those who made it out in time had a hellish tale to weave
those who were left behind had to elude his horrid stare
if you looked you'd feel to scream, but nothing would be there

[chorus 2:
run and hide now children, hide yourself and pray
close your eyes and hope that you will see another day
for if he sets his gaze on you, you are soon to see
fear will strike you paralyzed, and death follows swiftly]

so if you ask about this town, none will reveal it's fate
voices stricken with the guilt, of failure to retaliate
never knowing what's become, of those they left behind
but the last whisper from the town, says everyone had died

[closing chorus:
so if you hear a legend of a man with devil's eyes
don't take a look around you, he might be in disguise
if he sets his gaze on you, it's too late for you to see
the fear that strikes you paralyzed, for death follows swiftly]


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PostPosted: 11 Jul 2012, 10:47 
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That's a fun song. Ok, it's not as humorous as a song about Weegee might have been, but it's still quite amusing behind the serious-sounding words.



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PostPosted: 26 Jul 2012, 22:59 
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This next song is one I've wanted to do for a while now, but I never really sat down to try and write it until now. This one requires some backtracking too - on the first page I posted a song about the DS game New Super Mario Bros., which I actually wrote back when the game had just come out. Anyway, I've been wanting to do one for Super Mario 3D Land, and I finally got around to it. This one isn't quite as long as the first one, but I think it's still pretty good.

"Super Mario 3D Land" (since the other one was just called New Super Mario Bros., this seems fitting)

Mario got a letter 'bout the princess, uh-oh
looks like Bowser's just goin' with the same old flow
it's another adventure to save his favorite girl
takin' on a brand new dimension in a 3D world

Super Mario's back again on the handheld scene
with Goombas and Koopas bustin' out of the screen
just leave it to the plumber to adapt and survive
no way they're takin' Peach long as he's still alive

Mario's gonna knock 'em out, to the left and the right
pickin' up a Tanooki leaf for a nostalgic flight
ain't no way the baddies are gonna take him down
he's the hero of the kingdom, defender of the crown

whether he's takin' to the sky or deep under the ground
there ain't a trap or a Koopaling Mario can't get around
fake Bowsers throwin' fire, wanna burn him to a crisp
but he's a man on a mission, ya know he's gonna persist

now Mario is gettin' nearer to that fateful last castle
but the real Bowser's here to make his rescue a hassle
but Mario stays cool and takes Bowser down for the count
'cause rescuing his honey is what this plumber's all about

now we sit back a while and just watch the credits roll
an alternate world? man, that journey musta taken a toll
so now we're off again to face the new challenge at hand
with Luigi and the Toads, it's time to reclaim 3D Land

_____

Maybe when New SMB2 comes out I'll have a new one written less than 8 months after the game comes out. XD


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PostPosted: 11 Aug 2012, 17:17 
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This next one is a song I wrote that was inspired by a song called "New Protection" by the band Ride the Sky. Specifically, the chorus of this song is inspired by the chorus of theirs, which goes "I'm calling, screaming / feels like I'm suffocating / I'm trapped in a world where nobody cares no more" so I wanted something that evoked that same...uh...thing. I'm not sure what the word I'm looking for there is, but whatever, here's the song.

"Savior (Bring Us the Cross)"

searching for an answer in all the wrong places
a look of despair in the eyes of a million faces
the human spirit has fled and left behind no traces
lost to forgotten history, on a page that time erases

[pre-chorus:
so bring me the cross, bring me the nails
we're all searching for a hero to hail
someone to carry us to the light of a better day]

[chorus:
calling, screaming
can't wake up, but I must be dreaming
we're trapped in the ruins of a world in decay
falling, bleeding
the light of hope is fast receding
the world needs a savior to guide us on our way]

the world is turning but it feels we're standing still
decades of indifference, now humanity has lost it's will
searching for a scapegoat, an excuse to hunt and to kill
'cause we need a symbol of faith, to crucify upon this hill

[pre-chorus and chorus]

the world needs a hero to show the path we must follow
someone to lead us to the exit of our dismal sorrow
will nobody step up today, to reveal a better tomorrow?
or is this the price we pay for all the time we've borrowed?

[chorus]


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PostPosted: 12 Aug 2012, 18:07 
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I do like your Mario songs. They're fun. :D

I like this new one too. Other than the chorus it's hard to see to what extent it's been inspired by New Protection, since I don't know that song myself, but I think you did a good job on taking the words and form of the original chorus and adapting them to the theme of your own song. I think you express some good sentiments in the song too - I was particularly struck by "searching for a scapegoat, an excuse to hunt and to kill". It's so true.



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PostPosted: 12 Aug 2012, 18:21 
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Wow I should've caught up on these a while ago but the quality never drops below a certain standard in your lyrics and I seriously got to respect that. (I really got to pay more attention to when threads get updated.) But yea.. I think my 2 favorite of everything since my last comment are probably the Mario 3d one and the one you said was kind of suicide-ish. And after reading the poptarts song.. I can totally see you busting into one of these out of the blue just being around the house. So awesome. I love it.




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PostPosted: 24 Aug 2012, 04:06 
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I was gonna wait until I posted another song to say thank you, but it doesn't look like I'll have anything to post for a while so I'll go ahead and do it now. I wanted to let you both know I appreciate your comments, especially this one:

[QUOTE=Avittion;209918]Wow I should've caught up on these a while ago but the quality never drops below a certain standard in your lyrics and I seriously got to respect that.[/QUOTE]

That made me feel really good about my writing. ^_^


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PostPosted: 05 Sep 2012, 20:48 
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I haven't been in the mood to write recently, but I decided I needed to do another rage song because I've made it clear to myself that I have some pent up anger to get rid of, so that's what this is.

"Through My Eyes"

tensions rise and my temper flares
ice cold hate lies behind my stare
look in my eyes, the last thing you'll see
look in my eyes, I let the demons free
vengeance wrought with a bloody fist
through my eyes you're a piece of shit
look in my eyes, the last thing you'll see
look in my eyes, now you'll cease to be

[chorus:
anger and malice channeled through my eyes
my blood is boiling, watch the temperature rise
an outburst of violence fueled by your lies
revenge served cold for those that I despise]

tensions rise as the living all fall
against the blood splattered upon the wall
look in my eyes, the last thing you'll see
look in my eyes, as your blood drains free
vengeance wrought with a fourty-four mag
through my eyes you deserve a body bag
look in my eyes, the last thing you'll see
look in my eyes, your life belongs to me

[chorus]

tensions rise with the count of the dead
another bullet finds a way into your head
look in my eyes, the last thing you'll see
look in my eyes, see what you'll never be
vengeance wrought by the demons inside
through my eyes it's time for you to die
look in my eyes, when your heart is ceased
look in my eyes, the last thing you'll see

[chorus]

_____

It's pretty repetitive, but I imagine it having a metalcore or nu-metal sound so it wouldn't be too out of place in one of those genres.


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PostPosted: 24 Sep 2012, 20:37 
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This one is...suicide-y, again. I dunno where these keep coming from. >_>

"The End of Me"

the weight of the world has put a strain on my life
my train of thought is on the track towards suicide
my last goodbyes bleeding down on scraps of paper
as I tear through my veins with a gleaming razor

[pre-chorus:
and I guess that I might as well
take a permanent vacation straight to hell]

[chorus:
twist the knife into my veins
put a bullet in my brain
anything to set me free
whatever brings the end of me
suffocate my final breath
send me now unto my death
free me from my misery
whatever brings the end of me]

don't try to talk me down, I've made up my mind
I've found the answer to my problems is suicide
don't cry for me, there's no solemn goodbyes
now that I've decided that it's time to die

[pre-chorus and chorus]

[bridge:
balancing upon the brink
kill me now so I can't think
about the pain that's haunting me
thoughts of setting my soul free
the end it seems is my escape
from my depressive mental state
it's coming soon, now I can see
I'll bring about the end of me]

[pre-chorus and chorus]

____

Edit: I have a non-suicide-y one in the works, so maybe that will help counter-balance things. XD


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PostPosted: 25 Sep 2012, 17:38 
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As always, I think you've made some very effective use of rhyme in this. My one criticism (and I'm no expert on such matters, so don't pay any attention :P) might be that you've possibly expressed the topic a little bluntly, with a couple of references to the actual word 'suicide'. I tend to think that in songs (and it would be even more the case in poetry) it's far more effective to imply a concept through imagery or by talking around it than by expressing it directly.

Your previous song, however, I really like a lot. I didn't think I would, because you've already written quite a few on that theme and I wasn't expecting to find anything very new, but I thought the way you've structured it was extremely effective, with the repeated, but slightly changing, phrases in each verse. I also liked the wording you've used in the chorus.



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